Friday, July 6, 2012

Rant

Sometimes a person needs to vent.  I don't need anything fixed.  I don't need advice.  In fact, unless you are a trauma mama, don't even read it.  If you aren't sure if you are a trauma mama, then you aren't.  I have been more traumatized by "helpful" adults than I have by my own special needs children, so I feel a need to add this caveat.

My dear friend took this picture.  It reminds me of the 100+ women who are walking this road with me.

**Begin Rant**

I'm angry.  Very angry with my daughter right now.  So angry, instead of calling to read her her bedtime story, I called to say I couldn't read to her.  She beat my body so hard this year that I need this time away from her just to recuperate, but even though she isn't here physically hitting me, the damaged parts are able to be re-injured so easily she might as well be.  I can't believe she has stolen a day in Paris from me.

I understand my daughter better than anyone on this planet so I very VERY rarely am angry with her.  And I most certainly will NOT modify her consequences based on my emotions, but I just needed a break last night.  I wasn't angry when she kicked my breastbone.  I wasn't angry when I had to spend half my income for months and months of chiropractor visits just so I could walk this year.  But now, when she's stolen Paris from me...  I'm pissed.  And, I don't want to tell her because then she will try to injure me so I can't enjoy Paris when I come back.  As long as she doesn't think she can hurt me, she doesn't try to hurt me.  I only get hurt when she's having a breakdown and I need to keep it that way.

**End Rant**

Last night, on a seemingly normal train ride, I noticed a few bumps and thought "It's a good thing I'm better now or that would have hurt."  I've been on this train, over those bumps multiple times so the fact that I noticed them tells me that they are what threw my breastbone out of place.

I was very tired and miserable on the two block walk to the bus stop.  At the bus stop, I kept thinking that if I had a fever, I'd want to lay down right now.  I was having some issues breathing, but still didn't realize I was re-injured.  I thought I was just tired.  And, it was misting and I'm not used to humidity anymore.  I figured my lungs were having trouble with the high humidity.  It was only 9pm and I hadn't done much at all so I didn't know why I was so tired.  After opening the front door, I knew I needed to wait to walk up to the 4th (& 1/2) floor.  In fact I just wanted to lay down, but I took the stairs slowly and made it.  As soon as I sat on my bed I massaged my breast-bone like my chiropractor taught me and discovered it.  It hurt so bad just to touch that I bawled for five minutes.  I couldn't lay down for eons.  It is still very tender to the touch.  At home, I would go to my chiropractor today.  Here, well...  I just have to get it back in place.  I don't know how though.

So glad I stopped and took this picture on my busy day earlier this week.  If I hadn't I would NOT stay home no matter what today.


No comments:

Post a Comment